


Kyoshi Gives Azula a Vibe Check

by softhorf



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Bisexual Suki (Avatar), Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, I love her, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), and Azula, suki is so great, they both deserve the best, this is what she deserves :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25371247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softhorf/pseuds/softhorf
Summary: After the final Agni Kai, Azula is imprisoned, three weeks later she gets an unexpected mentor, and goes on a life changing field trip.
Relationships: Azula/Suki (Avatar), Kyoshi & Azula, Kyoshi & Suki (Avatar), sokka/zuko (minor)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 226





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The concept is better than the summary makes it sound

It starts when Ty Lee and Mai betray her. 

(If she’s honest, it started a long time ago, when she bent blue flame and Zuko could barely produce an orange one). 

Ty Lee and Mai were the only people she could trust, at least that’s what she had thought until Mai loved Zuko more, and Ty Lee chose Mai. She should have seen this coming,  _ it was foolish,  _ Azula thinks,  _ to trust anyone but myself.  _ She has to be perfect, there are no exceptions, father will only love her if she’s perfect. 

(But here in her room, seeing her mother who isn’t there, she feels everything but perfect.)

“You always had such beautiful hair.” The hallucination says it with such sorrow that Azula can hardly breathe. She feels anger bubbling in her chest and throws her brush at the mirror, shattering it, and her mother. Her mother never loved her, she only ever loved Zuko, only showed him kindness and unwavering faith; she  _ always  _ chose Zuko.

(Just like Mai would always choose Zuko, just like Ty Lee would always choose Mai.)

She feels tired, but paranoia keeps her awake, her guards could betray her at any moment, Ty Lee or Mai could come back and finish her off, Zuko and the Avatar were no doubt on their way to end the war. She’s on edge, she vows no one will take this away from her.

(If she thinks about it for too long, she’d realize that she’s tired in more ways than one.)

The anger sets in again, this is her destiny, the comet will be coming in mere hours, she will be at her apex, her fire will glow even hotter. The blue flame that keeps her in her father’s graces, the flame that terrified her mother. She shakes her head, she will defeat Zuko and the Avatar, she won’t let them win, what would her father think?

(Fire benders draw their power from rage and pain, she’d realize if she let herself spiral, what did it mean that her flame was hotter than any other fire bender?)

She looks at her shattered reflection, she’s crying.  _ No,  _ she thinks,  _ crying is a weakness, if father found out, he’d banish me, just like he banished Zuko, just like he banished mother.  _ She pushes the rising paranoia and fear of her father down, she won’t be weak. She’ll do what she must. She wouldn’t hesitate to kill Zuko, or the Avatar and his friends.

(For a brief moment she thinks she hears someone mutter the word “monster.” A second later she realizes it’s her mother’s voice.)

She wouldn’t hesitate because everyone always chooses Zuko. Her mother, Mai, Iroh, even Ty Lee. Maybe with him out of the way, they would choose her. Maybe for once, she would be loved, even if she wasn’t perfect, someone could love her unconditionally, if they could love Zuko, for all his weakness, why couldn’t they love her too?

(It runs deeper than that, when she’s alone she wonders why Zuko had Iroh’s faith, Mai and Ursa’s love, and why she was left with her father.)

She thinks of him, of his scar, of his imperfection. What was so much better about him? Why did he get to have mother’s love?  _ I’d kill him with a smile on my face,  _ she thinks. She hates him, possibly more than she hates her uncle, more than she hates her former friends, more than she hates her mother.

(Not as much as she hates her father.)

She’s  _ perfect,  _ he’s so flawed, so weak. She wants to scream out, to cry for the love she’s never going to get. She doesn’t care, why should she? Love is weak, her mother was weak for loving her brother, her brother is weak for loving her mother. Iroh is weak for loving Zuko, he was weak when his love for his son cost him victory at Ba Sing Se. Mai was weak when she chose love over winning, Ty Lee was weak when she chose Mai over loyalty.  _ Father and I, we’re the only strong ones. The only ones worthy of ruling. _

(But if she was so strong, why did she crave love so badly?)

A knock on the door startles her out of her head, she turns away from the shattered mirror, “What?” She says, there’s an edge to her voice.

“They’re ready for your coronation, Princess.”  _ Finally,  _ she thinks, she doesn’t want to be alone in this room anymore. She doesn’t want to see her mother staring at her with fear and disappointment. She doesn’t want to think of the implications it has, seeing a hallucination of the woman she hasn’t seen in years.

(She doesn’t want to think that she’s losing her edge, her power.)

She walks to her door, and takes a steadying breath, and exits her room. Two guards are there to escort her, but she doesn’t trust them, she tells them both to walk in front of her. They look at her with unspoken questions in their eyes. She can’t be too careful anymore if Mai and Ty Lee betrayed her, who knew who else would.

(She has to bite back a scream at the thought of her former allies.)

All too suddenly, she’s kneeling on the ground, she’s being announced Firelord, and Zuko is there, ready to take it all away. She won’t have him ruin this. She challenges him to an Agni Kai, she’s confident she’ll win.

(She  _ has  _ to win. If she doesn’t, her father won’t love her, she’ll be a failure.)

“I’m sorry it has to end this way.”

“No, you’re not.”

~~~

She realizes she might lose. The thought makes her fight harder, but soon enough she knows she can’t win this fight fairly. She shoots lightning at the water bender her brother brought with him, and her  _ idiot  _ of a brother jumps in front of her. As he falls, she feels some sort of overwhelming emotion, it makes her weak, and she falls to her knees.

(She’ll later realize this feeling is guilt.)

But Zuko gets up, and she’s chained to a grate, there’s a new scar on his chest and she can’t  _ take  _ it anymore. She screams fire and she  _ sobs.  _ Her father's voice echoes in her head,  _ when did you become so weak, Azula.  _ It only makes her cry harder. She vaguely registers that the water bender and Zuko are watching her warily, it doesn’t occur to her to try to break free from the chains.

(She’s far too tired for that.)

She’s shaking, and she can’t  _ breathe _ but that hardly matters, what matters is that she  _ lost.  _ To  _ Zuko,  _ of all people. Suddenly, she can’t take it anymore. She stops fighting, stops screaming, and with a final sob she collapses on the grate.  _ Weak,  _ she thinks,  _ I’m weak. Weaker than Zuko.  _ She feels hands grab her, pulling her up. She doesn’t pay attention to where she’s being taken until she hears metal scraping against concrete. The prison, she should have known.  _ Pay attention, Azula, find weak points so you can escape.  _

(Part of her wonders if she even  _ wants  _ to escape.)

Azula settles in her cell, she can’t bring herself to taunt the guards outside. She’s too tired to produce a flame, any remaining anger melts away as she slides down against the wall; it's replaced with something different and indescribable. For the first time in weeks, her head is empty, the floor is uncomfortable and entirely unsuited for the Firelord  _ (Princess, her mind counters immediately),  _ but she’s too exhausted to care. She lets her paranoia slip away and she’s dragged into a deep sleep almost immediately.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyoshi appears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late :(
> 
> also tw: slight suicidal ideation, slight self hatred

Three weeks pass, Zuko visits daily, though she refuses to talk to him. He tells her the world is recovering remarkably fast but there is still a lot of work to be done. She hasn’t spoken since the Agni Kai, she doesn’t have anything _to_ say. Azula doesn’t sleep much, she doesn’t trust her fractured mind, it plays tricks on her far too often. She sees her mother a few more times, though she mostly ignores it.

(Sometimes she glares at the visions, wondering why Mother couldn’t love _her,_ too.)

She’s waiting for Zuko’s daily visit, it’s become a routine, constant, predictable, something is off today, though. She notices that Zuko is late, the partial natural light she has in her cell has dimmed, far darker than his usual midday timing. The next thing she’s aware of is that the guards are watching her more closely, as if afraid she’ll try to break out. She doesn’t know why she hasn’t tried escaping, though she suspects it’s due to the fact she knows she will get caught if she attempts anything so foolish; her punishment after would most likely increase tenfold.

(Even if she could find a way to leave, what would she have to run to?)

The sun is later replaced with moonlight illuminating her small prison and Zuko still doesn't appear. If she were anyone else, perhaps she would be worried, but she was Azula, she had tried to kill her brother multiple times, she doesn’t care about him.

(She doesn’t have the right to care about him.)

She gives up on the chance of him coming today, perhaps he’s given up on her. She wouldn’t blame him if he had, everyone else had given up on her too, he was long overdue. She sighed and the guards looked at her warily. She huffed and rolled her eyes, _idiots,_ she thought, _what am I going to do? Kill them?_ She bit back a chuckle at the thought, it would probably just set them on edge further if she laughed.

(It probably wouldn’t be good for her if anyone found out how far she had actually spiraled.)

Azula saw something in the corner of her eye and bit back a groan. She hated seeing her mother, hated the condescending tone her mind gave Ursa. _Go away, I don’t want to deal with this tonight._ She doesn’t look, doesn’t _want_ to look. The figure remains in her peripheral, not making any movements to come closer to her. _Odd._ Even more strange, is the fact that the figure hasn’t said anything.

Lifting her head, she finally looks over, expecting to see her mother; instead, she sees a figure _much_ taller than her mom. Her face is painted exactly like the Kyoshi Warriors she had fought so long ago. _What. The. Fuck._ This is new, she’s never seen anyone or anything other than her mom.

(She chooses to ignore what this could mean for her already fragile psyche.)

“I am Avatar Kyoshi.” Great, she’s seeing a dead Avatar, perfect. Kyoshi must see something in Azula’s expression because she kneels down and attempts to make herself look less threatening. It doesn’t really work, but Azula appreciates the effort. “I’m not here to hurt you.” Yeah, _okay,_ she’s definitely going to trust the dead person she’s hallucinating right now, “That’s not reassuring, is it? Especially with me being dead and all.” Kyoshi sighs.

(She’s really trying not to panic, at this point.)

Azula looks at the guards, they’re paying her no mind. She can’t just start talking, it would make her look crazy, but what was she supposed to do? Ignore it until it goes away? She clutches her head in her hands, _what is going on?_ She’s vaguely aware that she’s shaking, _a dead Avatar? It’s not even Roku, why am I seeing Kyoshi?_ Zuko had told her Roku was their grandfather, it would make more sense if she were seeing him, but _Kyoshi?_ It didn’t make sense.

(She doesn’t like when things don’t make sense if she can’t make sense of something, she’s not perfect.)

“Go away.” She murmurs to herself, she can’t hallucinate _two_ people, just having _one_ is too much. The guards don’t hear her quiet plea, a small victory. Kyoshi’s towering frame doesn’t leave, however, but she doesn’t inch closer, something she’s immensely grateful for.

(Her mother always gets too close.)

Kyoshi looks at her and the expression is far too kind for the type of Avatar she was remembered for being. _This is the Avatar that defeated Qin the Conqueror?_ Azula is baffled, Kyoshi was known for taking down tyrannical people, and last she checked Azula fit the bill on that one. “I’m sorry, Azula, but I fear I cannot go away.” She wants to scream, to yell out that she _has_ to go away because Azula can’t handle more than one. She barely has a handle on the Ursa thing _._ She doesn’t have the capacity to have a _Kyoshi_ thing, too.

(Azula can’t handle _more.)_

This is Aang’s doing, she’s sure of it. Did he think making her see Kyoshi was going to make her be a good person? Why not show her Roku? Azula looks to the guards again, they still don’t react; this time, Kyoshi follows her gaze, “I see, you don’t wish for the guards to have more reason to think you’re crazy,” Kyoshi says, “I understand.” Azula scoffs, _doubtful._ The scoff makes one of the guards turn to glare at her, she rolls her eyes but says nothing.

( _Really,_ what was there even _to_ say?)

“Something bothering you, _Princess?”_ He starts in a mocking tone, “Do the accommodations not suit you? Too dirty and uncomfortable?” And if she had any more fight left in her, she would yell and scream that the guard is being wildly insubordinate, that even imprisoned, she’s still a member of the royal family, she’s the Firelord’s sister, she deserves at least a _little_ respect. She remains silent, however, because silence is easier than yelling, it takes less out of her. The guard sneers, “Still going to remain silent, huh? They were right, you really _did_ break.”

(She can’t really argue that point.)

Kyoshi looks at her, an eyebrow raised, “You aren’t going to defend yourself?” Azula shrugs, she doesn’t want to make things worse for herself. It isn’t as if the guard is lying, anyway. She sighs and leans against the wall, she closes her eyes, in hopes of falling asleep so she doesn’t have to deal with… whatever is happening, right now.

(Or maybe, she’ll wake up and this will all have been a horrible dream, it’s not as if nightmares are uncommon for her, anyway.)

The guard scoffs, and she opens an eye to look at him, “I thought you would be more aggressive, I always heard how impressive you were to fight, even without bending. But now, you’re just a disgraced little girl, hated and imprisoned. Your own father didn’t even love you at the end, did he?” She closes her eye again, her father had never _really_ loved her, she was his little weapon, he was only ever _proud._ She tried so hard to earn his love, and in the end, it hadn’t been enough, _she_ hadn’t been enough.

(She’s never been enough for anyone.)

She remains silent, and eventually, the guard turns back. She opens her eyes again, unable to sleep. Kyoshi is still there, and Azula genuinely contemplates taunting the guards just to get her mind off of it. Kyoshi looks at her expectantly, as if she’s waiting for her to say something; she doesn’t, everyone already thinks she’s crazy, no need to give them more proof. _At least it’s not mother again._ Azula stares at Kyoshi’s figure, lost in thought. “Are you just going to stare at me all night?” Azula refocuses her attention to Kyoshi and shrugs again. What else is she supposed to do? Talk to a hallucination?

(Agni, she really _is_ crazy, isn’t she?)

She turns to the guard outside of her cell, contemplating asking about where her brother is, why he hasn’t visited today. She quickly decides against it; _he wouldn’t tell me anyway,_ she thinks. Her attention goes back to the unwelcome hallucination in her cell. Burying her face into her hands, she groans quietly, _fuck why did he have to take me prisoner, it would have been easier if he had just killed me._

(Spirits, she _really_ wishes he had killed her.)

When she looks back at Kyoshi, the warrior is looking at her with an expression Azula can’t place. “Azula,” she starts, slightly hesitant, “I can help you get out of here but I have conditions.” _What._ Azula’s face must convey _something_ because Kyoshi follows up with, “I’m giving you a chance, to get out and become something else. Something _better.”_ At that, Azula almost loses her composure. _Something better? I’m supposed to be perfect already, how can perfection become better?_ “It’s up to you, I won’t make the choice for you. Make a choice for yourself, don’t think about what your father would tell you, what do _you_ want, Azula?” She’s slightly taken aback, a choice for _herself?_ Everything she _does_ is for herself, for an advantage. After a while, she nods.

(What does she have to lose anyway?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so horrible :/ im not a great writer but im trying to improve :) also sorry if kyoshi is rlly out of character ive never read her novels or anything and if there are other tw's u think i should i put dont hesitate to ask!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm, self depricating thoughts, (if you think there should be more tell me and I'll add them here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lol, yeah no sorry i havent posted but like ive been going to school and now I have a full time job and then fell into a really bad depression but hi yeah no here u go!!! this is the worst chapter ive written.
> 
> if ur here for action,,,, um,,,,,, i cant write it so I skipped all of it,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah. 
> 
> so anyway enjoy!!!!! 
> 
> also I think this fic officially qualifies as crack treated seriously now. I'm going to try and update semi-regularly now tho!!

Azula almost immediately regrets saying yes. She really doesn’t  _ need  _ to escape, she can’t find any sort of reason to. It doesn’t benefit her in any way, other than being free.  _ But how free would I be if I escaped? I’d be wanted all around the world.  _ Her brain goes into overdrive  _ Agni, why did I agree to this?  _ The thought lingers at the forefront of her brain. There was literally no valid reason that she could think of. She  _ wants  _ to leave, yes, but  _ why  _ should she?  _ Weak. Losing your edge.  _ Her father’s voice echoes through her mind. 

(She wishes it would just stop, all the voice ever does is  _ taunt, taunt, taunt.) _

More than anything, she wants to give up. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, this sort of defeat. She hates it, she shoves it down and pretends her hands aren’t shaking with unfamiliar anxiety. Kyoshi sits silently on the other side of the cell, watching as Azula tries to steady her breathing.  _ Agni, why can’t she just go away?  _ Finally, her breathing calms and she relaxes as much as she can.

(She’s still on high alert. She’s never been good at relaxing.)

She heaves a loud sigh and softly asks, “What’s the plan?” The guards aren’t paying attention, thankfully. Kyoshi remains silent, seemingly contemplating her words. After a few minutes, she speaks.

“Aang didn’t take your bending.” It’s not a question, and it has nothing to do with the current situation. She rolls her eyes and nods anyway. Kyoshi is silent for another minute, then continues, “I would’ve. Taken it, I mean. Though maybe he made the correct choice, you haven’t even  _ tried  _ to harm anyone.”

(She’s right, Azula knows, she gave up as soon as she lost the Agni Kai.)

Azula contemplates the words. Kyoshi wasn’t known for her compassion. Would she not have just killed her?  _ It doesn’t make sense.  _ She thinks on it for a few moments then finally asks, “Wouldn’t you have killed me? You didn’t hesitate to kill Qin the Conquerer, what’s the difference?”

“The difference? Qin was hungry for power, you’re hungry for control. There’s a very big difference.”

“Power and control are the same thing.” She says quietly.

“Are they?” She doesn’t elaborate, and Azula doesn’t push. She can’t think about this right now.

She asks again, “The plan?”

Kyoshi considers her for a moment, and then sighs. “I don’t have a plan yet. If we use your bending but get caught, Aang will most certainly take it away. Though I can’t come up with anything that  _ doesn’t  _ use your bending.”

Azula considers her words. She knows Kyoshi is right, there’s no way she gets out if she doesn’t use her bending, regardless of how quiet she can be. They’ve maxed out security on her, despite her showing no signs of violence. It’s a chance Zuko would never take, even as idiotic as he could be.

(And, honestly, she  _ is  _ planning an escape, so maybe he’s smarter than she thought.)

“It’s a risk we have to take.” Is all Azula says. She wants to sleep, she can’t think clearly when she’s this exhausted. As if sensing this, Kyoshi only nods and remains silent as Azula fights to keep her eyes open.  _ It’s odd _ , Azula contemplates,  _ when I see mother, she never lets me sleep.  _

(No, never sleep, Ursa makes her stay awake and relive everything she’s done.)

As if reading her thoughts, Kyoshi quietly says, “Rest, we have a lot of work to do when you wake up.” Agni _ ,  _ she really wants to. She’s been so  _ tired.  _

(She hasn’t gotten a full night of rest in  _ months.) _

She closes her eyes and leans her head against the wall. She falls asleep much quicker than usual.

\----

She wakes up to a guard banging on the cell. The same one that taunted her before. Azula notes by the small amount of natural light in her cell, it’s still night.  _ How long have I been sleeping?  _ Kyoshi is still there, silently glaring at the guard, if she were real, Azula would have thought it was terrifying, even to her.

(She’s definitely not the least bit intimidated.)

She huffs, pulling herself into a sitting position. After a moment he speaks, smiling innocently, as though he was nothing more than a saint, “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” She briefly wonders if Kyoshi would be angry if she killed him. Judging by the look on her face, she wouldn’t.

(She has to force a calming breath before she charred the man’s face off.)

Instead, she says nothing. She’s still tired, but the hour or two she got to sleep definitely helped. To her utter dismay, the man keeps speaking. “It’s such a shame. That you turned out crazy, that is. Such a waste of potential.”

Kyoshi stands suddenly and says, “It’s time to go.” Azula shakes her head slightly.  _ I have to wait,  _ she thinks,  _ I have to be logical, wait for the lazier guards, the ones who sleep on duty. I’ll have a better chance of getting the door open without them seeing.  _ Kyoshi sighs like waiting is the worst thing in the world at this very moment. 

(Azula can’t blame her, she feels the same way. Unfortunately, she wasn’t raised to be impatient.)

There’s nothing more Azula hates than being called a waste. It takes everything in her to  _ not  _ produce any sort of flame.  _ They need to have their guard lowered if this escape plan is going to work.  _ She digs her fist into the cement of her cell, the pain distracting her.

(Her father taught her that pain was the best sort of control.)

She shakes her head, attempting to clear her mind. She turns her focus, again, to escaping.  _ Two guards always stationed at my cell, who knows how many guarding the outside of the prison.  _ All Zuko had told her was that security was tight, he didn’t answer when she asked how many guards there were in total.

(Not that she blames him, it was a smart move, she underestimated him.)

_I’ll most likely have to fight my way out of here._ It’s unfortunate, she hasn’t been training. _Father would be so disappointed._ She fights the urge to rip her hair out at that thought. The guard is still looking at her. She stays still under his gaze, looking at him. She thinks about her reason for saying yes to Kyoshi, if she hadn’t agreed before she would have after this interaction. 

(She doesn’t  _ crave  _ freedom, but this guard makes it damn hard to want to be here.)

Unfortunately, the guard doesn’t seem to be in the mood to leave her alone today, “Hm, you’re definitely a lot more boring than I thought you would be. It’s disappointing, I was really hoping you’d be a challenge.”  _ Agni,  _ Azula is ready to  _ kill  _ this man. She feels her fire thrum under her skin, and she has to push her nails into her palm to stop it from breaking out.  _ Logic be damned,  _ Azula thinks,  _ I’m leaving this Agni forsaken place  _ now.

(Logically, she knows this isn’t going to end well, or pretty, but she’s  _ angry,  _ so she’s leaving.)

She stands, which the guard was, apparently,  _ not  _ expecting her to do. He jumps slightly, as if  _ scared.  _ She rolls her eyes,  _ Agni, this is annoying.  _ She looks to Kyoshi, who has stopped glaring at the guard and is now looking at her with a certain air of apprehension. Azula scoffs, she’s not going to  _ kill  _ him. She walks to the door of her cell. “Step  _ away _ from the door.” He says, fire in his voice, though she also detects a hint of fear.  _ Good.  _

(She’s always been good at violence, and this time is no exception.)

\----

Once the guard is on the ground, and she’s let herself out of the cell she looks at Kyoshi, still standing in the cell. “Are you coming or not? I didn’t kill them, they’re just knocked out, and I didn’t even use my bending, let’s  _ go.”  _ She doesn’t know why she’s actively inviting the hallucination that’s been harassing her for the past two days, but semantics. Kyoshi nods, following behind her.

(Ugh, there’s going to be  _ so much,  _ she’s going to have to unpack later.)

As she makes her way through the building, Kyoshi stays quiet. Azula is thankful for it, she hardly uses her bending, and there are fewer guards than she was expecting. She briefly wonders if Zuko was lying about the security, or had simply let it become laxer as time went on. She doesn’t care too much, and soon she’s out of the prison, quickly running for a secluded area. She isn’t going to dwell on the fact that Kyoshi is  _ still  _ here, right now.

(Her hallucinations never last this long.)

She takes a moment, she has to  _ think.  _ She wonders if she should break into her room in the palace, to get a change of clothes. The thought is immediately dismissed, she can’t risk detection. She hears an alarm from the prison, and she runs.

(Being wanted is going to  _ suck. _ )

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this chapter was a dumpster fire I just wanted to get her out of the prison and have no thoughts on how to escape one so yeah,,,, just go with it I beg u!!!!!! 
> 
> comment!!!!! like!!!!!!! i live for it. (I actually put this chap out bc someone commented on jan 2 and it reminded me that I like to write lol so thank u gayfangirltrash for the motivation)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal ideation, panic attacks, self harm, self-deprecating thoughts, bad coping mechanisms, cursing
> 
> azula cusses. a lot. and kyoshi just wants to vibe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang!! this is more of a heavy chapter bc like,, azula's mental health is literally in a dumpster on fire. rock bottom here she comes,, nowhere to go but up
> 
> i think im gonna do suki's pov next chap just so i can introduce her bc she's gonna be a big part of the redemption process. 
> 
> also the ships in the tags aren't gonna come into play until much, much later, azula's mental health is shit and idk ships arent the main focus its mainly focusing on azula's trauma and redemption process

Azula runs faster than she ever has before. She stops, just outside of the city, panting and it finally hits her.  _ Fuck. Why the  _ fuck _ did I escape? What was even the  _ point? Kyoshi is  _ still  _ here, and, honestly? It’s starting to piss her off. “Fuck.” Kyoshi raises an eyebrow, “Why the  _ fuck  _ did I do that. Shit. If they catch me again… fuck.”

“Then we’ll make sure they don’t find you.”

Azula scoffs, “Easy for you to say, you’re a fucking  _ hallucination.  _ They can’t  _ see  _ you. You want to take a wild guess on who they  _ can  _ see?” Part of her feels liberated and she shuts that part right the  _ fuck  _ up.  _ Where the fuck am I even going to go. Agni, why did I agree to this?  _

(Azula ignores the fact that this might be the first time she’s ever doubted herself.)

“Calm down.”

“I  _ am  _ calm. That’s the issue. I’m thinking clearly, and  _ you’re  _ still here, and I escaped, which just fucks me over on  _ so  _ many levels.”

Her breaths are coming out slightly ragged.  _ What was the plan here? Why did I do this with no plan? There’s nowhere to go.  _ Her mind is running too fast.  _ Shit, for fucks- what am I supposed to do? Never unsure, I’ve never been unsure before because I’ve always had a fucking  _ plan.  _ I never needed to be unsure. _ She can’t calm down. 

(Her father’s voice is echoing in her ears, her mother, Zuko, Ty Lee, Mai.)

_ Failed. _

_ Nothing. _

_ No one to help. _

_ Monster. _

_ Insane. _

  
“-Zula,  _ Azula.”  _ Kyoshi’s voice.

_ Anchor.  _ She tries to listen, breathing still ragged.

_ Fragmented.  _

“Azula, look at me. Focus on how I’m breathing.” It takes Azula a moment to realize how  _ close  _ Kyoshi is to her.  _ Still not as close as Ursa.  _ Kyoshi doesn’t make any move to get closer, or make any attempt to reach out for her. Azula tries to match her breathing ( _ has Kysohi ever breathed before?)  _ and attempts to bring herself back to reality. As her breathing begins to slow, Kyoshi begins to speak again, “Can you tell me something you can see, feel, and hear?”

It takes her a minute before she responds.  _ Am I crying? Fuck.  _ Her voice is ragged when she finally speaks, “Trees. The ground. Birds. The birds are loud.” She closes her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to just  _ be  _ for a moment. 

(Has she always been this tired?)

Kyoshi remains silent until she opens her eyes again. When Azula looks at her, Kyoshi speaks, “Good job. Please, sit down, you need to rest.” Azula immediately shakes her head.

“They’ll be looking,” her voice is still ragged, “I have to keep moving.” 

“I’ll keep watch.”

Azula almost laughs at the notion. Hallucinating Kyoshi might be a step up from Ursa, but it doesn’t mean it’s a  _ trustworthy  _ hallucination.  _ Besides, it won’t even be here when I sleep.  _ She shakes her head, “Not a risk we can take. We’ll find somewhere secluded, I’ll rest  _ after _ I know I won’t get found immediately. I’ve already been here too long.” She straightens out, taking a deep breath. Sighing, she begins to head into the trees, as far from the city as she can get. As she walks, she begins to speak, “I’ll need to find a change of clothes soon. I can steal them maybe? From one of the outer villages. I can’t go around in a prison uniform and  _ not  _ expect to be immediately recognized.”

She’s talking to herself, keeping herself grounded, but from the corner of her eye, she sees Kyoshi nod, “We can figure it out, perhaps you won’t have to steal, but focus on shelter for tonight. We can worry about clothes after.” Azula nods and hums a noise of agreement. 

She’s silent for a while as she walks but eventually says, “I shouldn’t have left,” a sigh, “I don’t even have a  _ plan.  _ This isn’t going to end well for me.

“You don’t know that.” Kyoshi says it with a smile like she’s in on a secret that Azula isn’t allowed in on. She scoffs, too tired to be able to bring herself to care.

\----

A few hours later, she sees a small cave opening. As they approach it, Azula almost collapses in relief.  _ Thank Agni.  _ She sits, breathing a sigh of relief, “I’ll worry about food, water, and clothes tomorrow.” It’s so  _ unlike  _ her to put off essentials, to not  _ plan  _ the next step. But, she’s  _ so  _ tired, she can make an exception tonight.  _ I’ll work hard tomorrow,  _ it’s a compromise to herself, to keep her mind at peace. She closes her eyes and lets herself sleep for the first time in  _ weeks.  _

\----

She wakes up at dawn. Kyoshi is still there, watching her. If Azula was in any other mood, she’d yell, throw fire at the illusion. She’s so Agni-damned _over_ this whole hallucination thing. But, she’s still tired, her mind still feels like it’s in pieces. She feels different, she feels wrong. She sighs, pushing the thoughts away, there are other things she has to worry about right now.

She stands, brushing herself off. The prisoner’s clothes she’s wearing are going to have to go as soon as possible. She’ll be recognized instantly if she’s seen in them. She rubs her hand through her loose hair and makes a mental note to look for any close villages. Water is her priority at the moment. Food and clothing can wait, but she’ll need water.

She walks through the woods, more cautious and aware than she had yesterday. Kyoshi is close behind her. She hopes ignoring the hallucination will make it go away. She hears a stream nearby and follows the sound. It’s a small stream, but it has fish, and the water is clear. She breathes a sigh of relief, that’s one of her problems solved. She makes a quick note of the stream’s location, making a mental map of the area. 

She finds the edge of the forest after a few hours of walking. She walks along the tree line, keeping quiet, and as hidden as possible. There’s a small village, looking to be a mile or two down a hill. She huffs, a little farther than she would like, but she’ll be able to break into a few stalls come nightfall for supplies. 

Kyoshi has remained present, but silent all day. As she makes her way back to the small stream, she begrudgingly accepts that this hallucination is  _ very  _ different than Ursa’s. The longest Ursa has ever stayed around was a few hours.  _ What would Father think of me now? His perfect child, hallucinating old ghosts.  _ The thought makes her want to sit, makes her wish she were back in her cell. 

(Makes her wish she had just  _ died  _ at the Agni Kai.)

Once she’s back at the stream, she cups her hands and drinks. She puts a waterskin on her mental shopping (stealing) list. She also makes sure to remember to get a knife. Zuko was always the one skilled with swords, but she needs to  _ survive.  _ By now, she knows she’s the most wanted person in the world. Word has most definitely gotten to Zuko, who has most definitely put her wanted posters  _ everywhere.  _

She won’t be able to keep a low profile in any city or village in the Fire Nation. She’s on her own until she gets out of Fire Nation territory. Even after she gets out, it’ll be hard to conceal who she is. _ How the mighty have fallen. Father and I used to be feared.  _ She laughs, a little manic. Kyoshi looks at her with slight concern but says nothing.

_ Now, we’re nothing more than dirt, in the eyes of our own people.  _ And, honestly, it’s  _ funny.  _ The thing she’d worked her whole  _ life  _ for, gone. The day she receives the title of Firelord, it’s stripped away by the end of the afternoon. By her  _ brother.  _ Her laughter breaks into sobs, and all too suddenly, she can’t seem to hold herself together.

_ They were all right, weren’t they? I’m nothing more than a shadow of the girl who conquered Ba Sing Se. Father thought Zuko was his biggest failure, but my loss… it just proves that I was the failure.  _ She’s struggling to breathe, struggling to hold her flames back as they burn under her skin. She faintly hears Kyoshi speaking softly, trying to comfort her. 

Her voice hitches when she speaks, cutting whatever Kyoshi was saying off. It’s soft, softer than she’s ever spoken, “It was me, all along.”

Kyoshi looks at her for a moment before asking, “What was?” Though Azula suspects she already knows what the answer is.

“The failure. Father always said it was Zuko. He was weak, and I was strong. But he was wrong,” she pauses for a moment, she’s  _ never  _ called her father wrong, “I’m the weak one. Zuko  _ beat  _ me, on the day my bending was at its peak.”

The realization hits her like a cannon. She’s a  _ failure.  _ She digs her fingers into her palms, control. She needs  _ control.  _ The pain isn’t helping, Kyoshi’s talking again and it’s all  _ too much.  _ Her fire comes  _ out,  _ and there is no more  _ control.  _ Everything is bad and wrong, and she’s  _ burning.  _ She’s being grabbed, and she can’t discern who it is, or where they came from.

She vaguely registers being sat down in the cave. Kyoshi is still softly speaking, and Azula  _ still  _ doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s trying to focus, to control. Her hands are slick with blood from her nails. She can’t  _ control  _ anything and  _ fuck.  _ She just wants it to  _ end.  _ She doesn’t care how, she just wants to be in  _ control,  _ or  _ dead. _

(She’d prefer the latter at this point.)

Azula closes her eyes. Why is she still so  _ tired?  _ She slept last night, she should be  _ fine. Going to sleep? Just proving how much of a failure you are. When was the last time you trained? Agni, maybe Zuko  _ is  _ better than you.  _ Her father’s voice is  _ everywhere  _ inside her head. She just wants to  _ rest.  _

“Sleep, Azula, you need to sleep. You’re still too tired. You didn’t get enough sleep last night.” She can finally hear the words. In the back of her mind, she knows Kyoshi is right. She got  _ maybe  _ four hours of sleep last night. It shouldn’t matter, she should be able to function just fine no matter  _ what.  _

She closes her eyes, still exhausted. Before she drifts off, she remembers the hand that grabbed her, despite the only “person” around being Kyoshi. 

Her last thought before falling unconscious is,  _ how the  _ fuck  _ did she physically touch me? _

(Really, she is getting so  _ sick  _ of all this bullshit.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight, yall know the drill gimme some kudos, throw me a bone and leave a comment, say hi if u want on tumblr (@softhorf) i would,, love to make friends so yeah my dms and asks r always open!!
> 
> i hope you guys are enjoying it all, also let me know if you want me to do small interludes in between the main chapters from like zuko's pov so we can keep up with them (i can also just do another fic of short oneshots from the core gaang's pov and add it to like a collection)
> 
> mwah thank you all for reading i,, rlly do appreciate u all. but literally follow me on tumblr if u want and also u know what follow me on twitter too (@jasonderulosnek) bye for now!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> kyoshi comes in chapter 2 ;)


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